We're Not Okay
by LatteAddicted
Summary: Something's amiss with Sayori. She's been acting very upset and out-of-it lately. Dylan, Sayori's best and childhood friend, has set himself with the task of finding out what's bothering her. Will he be able to help her with her issues, or will he be too late to save her from herself?


**A/N: Hi! Welcome to 'We're Not Okay' This is my first fan fiction I've ever published. I hope this is up to good enough standards for you people. I don't like reading unstructured stories. Hopefully mine doesn't end up falling into that category. As a small note, I chose the name Dylan because I 'urban dictionaried' it and the first definition fits the characters well.**

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Something's wrong with Sayori. I don't know what's wrong yet, but I know there's something wrong. She's been acting unusually different these past few days and it's extremely concerning. She's been very downcast, staring off into the distance, retaining a sad, stoic expression on her face. Her poems have been getting more depressing and bittersweet. That last poem, 'Bottles', shot up some major red flags. "… happy thoughts in shards, all over the floor." I really hope it doesn't mean what I think it means. I'm extremely worried about her, but that's not the worst of it.

The worst part is she won't tell me.

In any other case, if anything is bothering her, she'll **always** tell me.

That's why I'm so worried. If my best friend is not telling me what's bothering her, whatever she is dealing with is a **serious** issue, and I **must** be there to support her. I will figure out what's wrong with her. I will help her.

It's 11:32pm right now. I'm so fucking exhausted, but I can't stop thinking about Sayori.

I go to my bathroom and have the third shower I've had in the last 2 hours. I let the water wash away those stressful thoughts. I should do this more often; it's so relaxing… I turn off the shower, stumble over to my room, and slip on a t-shirt with some boxers. Lying in bed, I smother myself in my soft blankets and turn over on my side.

It's Sunday tomorrow. Yuri is coming over to my house to help setup some decorations for the festival on Monday. That should help me take my mind off some things. I'll talk to Sayori before Yuri arrives.

I **will** help her.

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*Bzzzzzt, bzzzzzt, bzzz-smack

Ugh, fuck, what time is it? I grab my phone and check the time.

7:00am.

Yuri's coming over at nine. I need to get ready. I need to get changed.

Fumbling out of bed, I manage to stand up and get changed into some simple casual wear. I check to make sure that my phone is void of messages, then I head downstairs to make some breakfast. Some simple pancakes will do. Hmm… Maybe I should make some extra for Sayori. Yeah. She would like that. I quickly eat my serving of pancakes and place Sayori's serving into a plastic container. Wow, this food presentation looks like shit… Ah fuck it, I'll just bring her a plate. I remove the pancakes from the container and place them on a plate. Then, I grab some maple syrup and pour it on top of the pancakes. Hmm, what else could I add? Eventually the pancakes are cover with maple syrup, strawberries and sugar frosting. Damn these look good. I'm certain Sayori will love this.

I exit my house, plate in hand, and I waltz over to Sayori's house. She's probably sleeping again. I bet she'll be so surprised I brought her breakfast, made solely for a goddess. Her front door is unlocked. Typical Sayori. I swear, one day she's going to get robbed or sometime. That would be awful. Her kitchen is empty, and her lounge is also empty. Why do I even bother? I know she's upstairs, probably sleeping. I climb up her stairs and stand outside her front door. How am I going to approach the subject with her? I don't really know where to start. Fucking hell, I should've planned this earlier. Fuck it I'll just wing it. Hopefully I can get somewhere without sounding like an insensitive prick.

I gently open the door…

"Sayori?"

I glance towards her bed, notice she's not there, and then look towards her desk. She's already up and on her computer. She closes the tab she's on before I get the chance to see what she was doing.

"Hi Dylan~"

I sit down stand to face her with the plate of pancakes in my hand. She forces a smile, but I can easily tell that she's acting differently. I try to act like I don't notice.

"I made you pancakes!"

"Yay. Thanks Dylan. It means a lot to me that you made such a wonderful meal." She said that with little positive attitude or emphasis. Sayori is **always** happy about food. Not to toot my own horn but these pancakes look fucking amazing. If Sayori's reaction is a simply a passive compliment and an empty smile, something is an ungodly level of wrong.

I hand over the pancakes and she put them on her desk in front of the keyboard. Normally, the pancakes would be sitting in Sayori's stomach by now, not on her desk… My mind is racing with possible reasons for her to be acting this way. None of them are good.

I wait for her to speak.

"You haven't come over like this in a long time, have you?"

"Ah… I guess you're right. It has been a long time." Sayori's room is as messy as it's always been. "Not much has really changed, has it?" I recognise the same stuffed animals and wall decorations that she's had for years now. She really needs to update her catalogue of stuff.

"Ehehe~ If you came over more often, it wouldn't be such a mess." Well Sayori…

"That's because I end up cleaning it for you…" She's never been one to clean her room. Ever since we were young, I would visit and clean up her room for her. It just annoyed me that she had so much stuff scattered all over the place. Every time I asked her to clean her room, she'd just say, "I can't be bothered," and disregard it. I gave up on trying to convince her and cleaned up myself. It's nothing too laborious and it meant that she got to work in a clean workspace.

"How come you suddenly wanted to come over today? Aren't you supposed to see Yuri today?" Sayori looked at me quizzically. Well I wanted to talk to her about her why she's acting so depressed lately, so I decide to fit in some time to talk to her.

"Yeah but…" I'm about to bring up why I'm here, but it suddenly registered to my mind what she just said. "… Wait, how did you know that?" Sayori had already left by the time we arranged what we were all doing to prepare for the festival.

"Monika told me. It's only natural for her to keep me informed about the festival preparations, right?"

"Ah, that's true." I guess she should know what's going on, knowing her position and all. "But what about you? Aren't you going to be helping Monika today?"

"Of course! But I'm just helping her online." Ah yes, the wonders of the internet. "We didn't plan to meet up or anything." Then why are me and Yuri meeting up? Well… now that I think about it. It makes sense that she's coming over, because it's a little difficult to decorate together when you're not in the same room as each other. That would just be inconvenient.

"Ah, so it's just me and Yuri then…"

"Yep~" There's more awkward silence between us. Sayori stares hollowly in a random direction. Everything about her behaviour is extremely uncharacteristic. I think now is a good time to ask her what's going on. I'll try to ease into it.

"I just… wanted to see how you were doing. After you left on Friday." She glances towards me. She's still wearing that empty expression. "When something's wrong, you can't hide it from me. I know you too well. So…" Sayori smiles, shaking her head.

"That's not good, Dylan." What?

"Eh?"

"Why can't it just be like it's always been. This is all my fault. If I didn't get so weak and accidently express my feelings, if I didn't make that stupid mistake, then you wouldn't have been worried about me at all. You wouldn't have come here. You wouldn't have even been thinking about me right now." Now I'm fucking worried. I can feel sweat dripping from my face. "But this… is just my punishment, isn't it? I'm getting punished for being so selfish. I think that's why the world decided to have you come over today. It just wants to torture me. Ehehe~" What the fuck is she on about?

"Sayori!" I grab her by the shoulders. "What on Earth are you saying?! Are you listening to yourself right now?" I know that wasn't the best thing to say, but I can't think straight enough to speak sensibly. "I know something happened to you. There's no other explanation for you to be like this." My voice is laced with worried. "So tell me already…! Until I know, I won't be able to stop thinking about it!" I'm desperate to understand. Why is she acting so strangely? Why?

"Ah… Ahaha…" She's not laughing very confidently. Sayori gives me another empty smile. "You really put me in a trap, Dylan. But… You're wrong. Nothing happened to me." Excuse me? "I've always been like this. You're just seeing it for the first time." I'm almost shaking with anticipation and apprehension. I need to calm down. I breathe in, and out. I manage to ask her in a calmer voice.

"Seeing what? What are you talking about Sayori?" She giggles.

"Ehehe~ You're really just going to make me say it, aren't you, Dylan? I guess I have no choice this time." I quickly try to mentally prepare myself for what's to come. "The thing is… I've had really bad depression my whole life. Did you know that? Why do you think I'm late to school every day? Because most days, I can't even find a reason to get out of bed. What reason is there to do anything when I fully know how worthless I am? Why go to school? Why eat? Why make friends? Why make other people put their energy and caring to waste by having them spend it on me? That's what it feels like. And that's why I just want to make everyone happy… Without anyone worrying about me."

I'm in complete shock. My mind is still catching up on what she said. I can't even figure out a way to respond. How is it possible that Sayori kept this from me the entire time that I've known her? Did she really want so badly for me to just not think about her?

No. I refuse to let her think that way. I need to show her that it's okay to let other people care about her. It's okay for me to care about her. The worst thing to do would be to get angry at her. I need to comfort her.

"Why Sayori? Why is it that you've never told me about this? Sayori..." I cup her face with my right palm.

"Eh?"

"You dummy. It's okay to have people care about you. Friendship is supposed to go both ways. How am I supposed to hold up my part if you won't let me?" I try to use logic to change her mind. I make sure to sound supportive at the same time.

"You don't understand at all, Dylan. Why do you think I didn't tell you? Because if I told you, then you would have to waste effort caring about me instead of doing more important things. I don't want to be cared about. It's bittersweet, when people try to care about me. It feels nice sometimes, but it also feels like a bat being swung against my head. Ahaha~" I gentle start rubbing her cheek with my thumb. "That's why I wanted so badly for you to make friends with everyone else. Helping everyone be happy together is the best thing for me. It's better if I don't receive any happiness back. But then, I discovered something else, too. Seeing you make friends and get closer with everyone in the club; it feels like a spear going through my heart. So, that's why. That's why I decided the world just wants to torture me. Every path leads to nothing but hurt. Ahaha~" I stop caressing her face. I think for a bit, trying to sort out my feelings and thoughts into rational judgements.

"You're right. I don't understand… I don't understand your feelings, at all Sayori. But I don't need to understand your feelings at all, Sayori. But I want to try to understand your feelings. Whatever it takes for me to help you stop hurting, that's what I'll do." After I say that, I think I have a flaw in my logic. She still doesn't want any help from me, but I must keep pushing to make her take it.

"No, Dylan. There's nothing, nothing at all. The only thing that could've helped is if everything could be like it always ways. But I was selfish. I finally showed you what a horrible person I am." Tears streak down Sayori's face. I can feel the corner of my eyes welling up too. "I made you join the literature club because I was selfish. And I was punished by my heart hurting in a way that I couldn't understand. And now you came here and I made you hurt, too. I'm just weak and selfish. That's all I am. And that's why I'm going to accept these punishments. Because I deserve every last one-A-Ah!" Without thinking, I clutch onto Sayori for dear life as I pull her into a tight embrace. "Dylan…"

I'm sick of her putting her self down. I'm sick of hearing her self-deprecate. I need her to understand. "Sayori. You are **not** selfish. You are **not** weak. And you are **not** a horrible person. I'm so happy that you convinced me to join the literature club. I've never felt so at home in my life. Seeing you everyday makes it worthwhile. If I make friends with everyone else, then that's just a bonus. But please never underestimate how much I care about you. You mean so much to me Sayori. You mean the world to me. Your happiness is as important to me as my happiness to you. I wouldn't have it any other way."

"Dylan." She isn't hugging back. Despite my arms being wrapped around her, Sayori's arms remain at her sides. She starts sobbing next to me ear. Tears streak down my face too. "No… Don't do this… to me… Please don't do this… Dylan. I…" Sayori barely manages to speak between her sobs. I don't know if I'm doing the right thing, but it's the best I can manage right now. All I want is for her to know that I care, and that's it's okay for me to care.

"If you have it in you to call yourself selfish, then you'll have to count me in as selfish too. No matter what it takes, I'll figure out what needs to change. I'll make these feelings go away. I want to care about you Sayori. I want you to be happy too. And if there's anything you need me to do… Please ask me. It would mean a lot to me if you did. I'll get mad if you don't." I'm pretty sure were both crying at this point. I gently rub her back.

"… I don't know… I don't know… I…" Gently, Sayori finally puts her arms around me in return. "I don't know anything. It's all really scary… I don't understand any of my feelings, Dylan… The only time I'm not feeling nothing is when I'm feeling pain. But… Your hugs are so warm. And that's really scary, too." She's not putting a lot of effort into holding me. I squeeze just a little tighter.

She squeezes back.

"It's okay Sayori. I'll help you understand. Together."

We hold our embrace for a little longer. Neither of us really want to let go. Eventually we do part. I feel as if I've finally broken down one of her walls. I'll keep working at them until all of them are piles of dust, and she is free from her own prison.

"The festival is tomorrow."

"Yeah…"

"It's going to be fun, right?"

"Yeah…" I want to spend the festival with Sayori, but I need to phrase it right, so she won't feel like she's being selfish. It's time for me to take her place.

"How would you like for me to spend it all with you? I want to spend all of the festival with you. Can you do that for me?" I make sure it was me asking her to spend her time with me, not asking if she wanted me to spend time with her. She smiles towards me, it seemed more genuine than the one she had on five minutes ago.

"Yeah, of course." Sayori wipes her eyes. If I could spend the whole day with her, I would. But I know she doesn't want that right now. That would only make her hurt more. Maybe I can convince her to help with the decorations. She did say she just wanted to help people.

"It's almost time for Yuri to meet me at my house… I think it would be nice if you came over and helped with the decorations, but it's okay if you don't want to. I understand if you need some space." She shakes her head.

"I'm sorry, Dylan. I don't know if that would be very good for me today. Thank you for understanding." She smiles lightly.

"It's okay. Take the time to rest up. Please feel free to tell me if you need anything or come over if you change your mind. My door is always open." I lightly smile back.

"I'll see you later, okay?" Sayori puts her hands up in the cute fashion she always does.

"Alright. I look forward to it. See you around!" I exit Sayori's room and walk outside. A massive sigh escapes me. My god that was extremely stressful and emotionally taxing. On my way home, I thought that having Yuri over might distract me from Sayori, but I can't stop thinking about her. I really hope she is feeling better, at least a little bit. I need to cheer up. Were definitely going to have a great time tomorrow. I need to focus on getting these decorations ready with Yuri.

God, I hope I didn't fuck anything up.

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 **A/N: This chapter is big. I didn't think I'd end up writing this much. Don't get too comfortable with this word count. I don't think I'll be able to cram this many words into other chapters. Pretty sure this chapter is only as big as it is because I was writing the words as I was watching a YouTube video with Sayori's depression confession scene playing. Damn that last sentence was a mouthful. Anyway, please leave any feedback you have. Thanks for reading my ramblings!**


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